Monday Thoughts

I don’t know if its because I haven’t spent enough time with people who see my soul. Or if I’m not exercising enough. Or because the only way I can get work done is by listening to the same ten songs and I now think they’re the soundtrack to my life. Or if it’s because my life got flipped turned upside down a mere week ago, but I’m feeling pretty off my game these days.

Just kind of going through the motions of daily life, wondering, what is the fucking point to all of this?

Yes, I’d hoped I’d have moved past this, but it would appear that mid-twenties angst has turned into late-twenties angst. How embarrassing to be this angsty as a full fledged adult.

I’m wondering how best to combat this feeling. I could go the route of two years ago and have a full on meltdown. It sounds appealing. Just get really messy and let other people pick up the pieces. But like the problem with that is I get really bad hangovers and I have to write off the whole weekend. You see. These are the concerns of an angsty woman in her late twenties.

Truly though, I wasn’t sure if I’d be settled at this point but I thought I’d maybe sort of like myself, my life, a little bit more than I do. What is the missing piece here?

I’ve made a couple of feeble attempts at change. I try to work out. I’m trying to get back into performing. I’m sure writing this out will help.

But how does one get up each day with such an impending sense of emptiness?

I think the key is passion, of a sort. I hope I’m tapping into some of that with theatre. I thought I was tapping into that elsewhere in my life. But I need the thing. The thing that lights a fire under my ass and gets me psyched.

I think I’m going to try to find the thing.

Okay I lied.

I know what the thing is. It’s one of two potential things but they are both very scary. I don’t think I can say them yet, because when I’ve told people they get this look in their eyes like “THAT’S an idea Hannah”.

But scary things are scary for a reason. So probably for now I’m just going to stick with the day to day until I rip my actual hair out.

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