I am a chronic project-starter. I have dozens of short stories, songs, poems, conceptual art pieces written out, partially formed as ideas, which were then promptly abandoned. When I was in high school I wanted to create a “zine” and so sent out a call to all of my friends for their artwork, photography, poems, and essays. They followed through, they sent me the little pieces of their hearts and I saved them in a folder, and promptly moved on to whatever the next thing was. It makes me sad to see that folder sitting on my computer, still, with unpublished treasures sitting in it that my acquaintances trusted me with.
It just seems like whenever I start something, there is this large, nagging beast holding me back from making it into a reality. Realistically, this beast is an anxiety that people will not like my heart (I meant to write art there, but my hands typed heart, so I’m going to keep it that way). Probably the most beautiful thing about art is that you put it out there knowing some people won’t like it and doing it anyway, in the hope that it will touch someone in some way, even if it’s just yourself. I guess I just get scared not even I will like it?
I’m such a huge fan of failure and the things it teaches us. I champion opportunities to fail for those I love, because I know that it offers untold opportunities for growth, but I am so afraid of it myself.
I’ve always been extraordinarily impressed by people who are able to think of something that gets them psyched, talk about it, and then actually follow through with it. Particular inspirations of mine are my friends Fairlith and Ryan, and my cousin Michelle. These people have/had great ideas, and put them into action. People like that are so inspirational. but I almost feel like they are a different breed, a brand of trailblazers who know what they want and make it happen. I don’t know what I am.
Before I sat down to write this post I thought I was not the kind of person who could make things happen, but I made this blog happen, right? People seem to like it? People seem to care what I have to say.
I dunno, just having one of those days/weeks/months.