The woman that I am

People don’t change. Especially lately, I’ve been particularly convinced of this as a fact. Fundamentally, I think, we end up the same as we started. The cool part, though, are all the twists, turns, heartaches, triumphs that help us to grow into more defined versions of ourselves.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. To some people, it might seem like a bit of a trap. To be confined to one specific identity is a terrifying idea. I agree with that. I think we can express as many identities as we could ever want. But because we made them, that is who we are. Without getting too philosophical, or introspective, that’s what I’ve been thinking about.

This year I went through a bit of an identity crisis. A lot of things in my life shifted and I was able to express myself in a lot of ways that I never had before. I felt like I was finally myself, without layers of insecurity and anxiety keeping me from full freedom of expression. It felt really good. But those parts of me were still there, just taking a bit of a backseat, while I learned to fall in love with those parts of myself that I had tucked away for a little while.

I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with this. I guess I just feel like I’ve felt the entire rainbow of human emotion over the last 365 days, and though I’ve learned a lot, I think I’m still the same.

I felt pain like I’ve never felt before. That ripping, excruciating, physical pain of heartbreak that I had read about was real. You’d think a pain like that would change you, but I really don’t think it did.

Am I stronger? Not yet, I don’t think. Because I can still feel the scar throbbing, still feel the panic that there might be more pain, lurking around the corner. It disturbs me that I can’t trust the way I used to. But I think trust is a learned behaviour. It’s not ingrained in us. Not the way that love is.

So that’s how I’m seeing it. I am not weak, but I feel weak. I am not broken, but I feel broken. I am still the bubbly, exciting girl I met within myself this summer. I am still the anxious, shy woman who can’t quite figure out how to convince herself she is worth people’s time. I am still the empathetic person who believes the best in everyone. I can still love with the full force of my being, despite the fact that I’ve been hurt.

That’s who I am, I guess. Not just that, of course. But that’s the general idea.

2 Replies to “The woman that I am”

  1. I am so proud to sit back and read your most inner thoughts . When I think back to me as a twenty something I was not as wise and as interspective as you are. As a woman who has watched you grow up beside my daughter I have been so thrilled to watch your triumphs, your successes and yes some of your down falls. Growing up can be so difficult but you have shared your heart on your sheeve and I admire you. Your writing is emotional, yet brilliant and I can identify with your experiences. Please keep writing this blog. You are inspirational and brilliant. Your Mom must be so proud! Xoxox😘❤️😘

  2. I love your openness and ability to express yourself honestly Hannah. I really understand the emotions you are going through right now. I think there are times in our lives we all struggle with who we are. Especially when our heart has been broken or we are struggling to find some new direction in our lives. Take each day one step at a time. You are an amazingly sweet, intelligent, and soul searching gift to this world. Life has a way of leading you in the right direction if you follow your heart. Thank you for letting others know that pain is real and everyone struggles sometimes. Growth comes from self-reflection. You are loved by even those of us who’ve only been touched briefly by your friendship. Hugs. ❤️

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