People don’t change. Especially lately, I’ve been particularly convinced of this as a fact. Fundamentally, I think, we end up the same as we started. The cool part, though, are all the twists, turns, heartaches, triumphs that help us to grow into more defined versions of ourselves.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. To some people, it might seem like a bit of a trap. To be confined to one specific identity is a terrifying idea. I agree with that. I think we can express as many identities as we could ever want. But because we made them, that is who we are. Without getting too philosophical, or introspective, that’s what I’ve been thinking about.
This year I went through a bit of an identity crisis. A lot of things in my life shifted and I was able to express myself in a lot of ways that I never had before. I felt like I was finally myself, without layers of insecurity and anxiety keeping me from full freedom of expression. It felt really good. But those parts of me were still there, just taking a bit of a backseat, while I learned to fall in love with those parts of myself that I had tucked away for a little while.
I’m not sure where I’m trying to go with this. I guess I just feel like I’ve felt the entire rainbow of human emotion over the last 365 days, and though I’ve learned a lot, I think I’m still the same.
I felt pain like I’ve never felt before. That ripping, excruciating, physical pain of heartbreak that I had read about was real. You’d think a pain like that would change you, but I really don’t think it did.
Am I stronger? Not yet, I don’t think. Because I can still feel the scar throbbing, still feel the panic that there might be more pain, lurking around the corner. It disturbs me that I can’t trust the way I used to. But I think trust is a learned behaviour. It’s not ingrained in us. Not the way that love is.
So that’s how I’m seeing it. I am not weak, but I feel weak. I am not broken, but I feel broken. I am still the bubbly, exciting girl I met within myself this summer. I am still the anxious, shy woman who can’t quite figure out how to convince herself she is worth people’s time. I am still the empathetic person who believes the best in everyone. I can still love with the full force of my being, despite the fact that I’ve been hurt.
That’s who I am, I guess. Not just that, of course. But that’s the general idea.