This is a post I wrote on November 12, 2019. I think I said too much at the time, and was afraid of sharing these thoughts. Still kind of am, but here it is!
Today I woke up happy. It didn’t go away for a while. There was peace and calm in my brain for the first time in ages. I didn’t feel the need to fill my ears with a podcast or loud music to drown out the scarier thoughts. It was nice to feel comfortable, content, free of stress and pain.
It lasted for a while, but after a bit the thoughts came creeping through.
I try, sometimes, to think of a time before you. It’s hard to think back that far, as it feels like you’ve been in my life forever. The problem is, the memories, even the sweet ones, have a bit of a taint to them. Was this always there? I think in some ways it has, because I remember feeling pain in my feelings for you from the day our lips first met. It was complicated from the start, I have to remember. It wasn’t ever easy really. There were easy moments of course, obviously those were the moments that kept us glued together all these years.
I remember talking to you that one night, and never wanting to stop. I remember noticing that there were other people around, but being completely disinterested in anything they were doing or what they had to say.
Another day, waking up beside you in a fit of blissful joy. It was explosive how glad I was to be near you.
More recently, a trip to the mountains that we decided to extend on a whim. We just drove and I felt so safe and content and full of joy to be adventuring with you.
These moments, though, were moments. They were freckled with other, less breezy moments that dragged us down. Flashbacks to fights. Small fights. A very big fight. Moments where I was cruel for almost no reason. Moments where you hid parts of yourself from me.
Sadder still, I think are the tiniest micro-moments. Where thoughts flash through my brain that are unkind, or where I wish you were different. If only you were different this would all be easier.
Maybe different is the answer. But maybe it’s not something we can find in ourselves. Why should we try to be different in a space where that is so hard to do? Why can’t we be ourselves but in a different situation?
Maybe that’s the clarity I’m looking for? Maybe that’s how I know. I’m holding on for dear life because I don’t remember what the world is like without you, but I think I’m also ready to be free of the pain that’s been there from the start.
More than anything, I want you to be free of that pain as well. I want you to dive headfirst into your art, without worrying about me straggling behind you. I want you to wear the clothes you want to wear and say the things you want to say and kiss the girls you want to kiss. I don’t want to censor you. Anymore. Because I know I have.
I don’t want to chase you. I want us both to be free.