Autumn Thoughts

I wrote this post in October 2017. I don’t know why I never posted it, but I thought I’d share it now. I’m trying to get the words out for how I feel right now, but they aren’t coming as easily as they used to. Also, I deeply miss autumn in Vancouver. Much different from autumn here, which is just another word for winter.

I’ve always been a summer spirit. I get my energy from the sun, I feel alive in springtime and comfortable in the summer. Ever since I went back to school, though, there’s been a certain magic in the air when autumn rolls around. I love school. I love being in school and knowing that I’m good at it. I show up to class and feel smart and like I’m in the right place, and even though I often leave my homework to the last minute, my final product is exactly as good as I think it will be, and I feel so accomplished.

So now I love fall. I love crunchy leaves and wearing boots, and sipping tea as you watch rain fall against the window. Fall, more than even spring, I think, offers the possibility of a fresh start. Particularly this aujtumn, with the rain washing away the smoke and leaving a fresh city for me to explore, with that hint of cold in the air at night and first thing in the morning. I’m so ready for it.

One thing that I have learned in the past year or so, is that confidence and happiness cannot be something that you find in another person. I knew this on a foundational level, sure, but I wasn’t putting it into action. So much of my life was so dependent on the moods, behaviour, and presence, or lack thereof of someone in my life. This specifically pertained to the person that I was in a relationship with at the time, but also to my friends and other people in my life. I rooted my self-confidence in whether or not people elected to spend time with me, and because of that, my confidence plummeted. Being so reliant on outside reinforcement became my downfall and resulted in a vicious cycle of self-doubt.

And so with big changes came big challenges. Finding myself on my own I realized that the only person who could control my happiness was me. With this change in place, funnily enough, I began to feel more confident. By exuding this confidence, I in turn caused the people around me to see what was so infectious, so interesting, so lovable about me, and then I got the chance to see it as well. I think I have kind of fallen back in love with myself this summer, which has been a fantastic thing to experience. The funny thing about these things is how circular they are: what goes around really does come around, and when you exude passion and self-confidence, you will eventually start to feel those things yourself, which is how the cycle continues.

I realized that the only way to find happiness was within myself, and that resulted in some really strong friendships being forged, some cool risks being taken, and opportunities presenting themselves to me.

Right now, however, that pace seems to have slowed, and while I recognize that I am still very much in control of how people perceive me and what kind of energy I put into the world, I feel very slowed down by it all. The last two months have seen my self-worth plummet as I try to navigate a new job and new circumstances that I did not forsee. My anxiety levels are higher than they’ve been in a very long time, and I’ve realized, with the help of my family that it’s (finally) time to figure my shit out. I’ve also realized that I’m a lot more fun, and a lot better of a friend, when I’m not immensely bogged down by work and school, as I am now. That part is tricky to navigate as well though, because I’ve committed myself to two pretty large endeavours and would be very upset to see one of them fall through.

I seem to be going through my quarterly existential crisis. No, not a quarter-life crisis, though I’m certainly due for one of those. Just one of my 4ish freak outs per year. This one has lasted a while and I’m not sure how to pull myself out of it.

I don’t like to feel uncertain. I don’t like to not have a plan. When I graduated from post-secondary (the first time) I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. My anxiety got the better of me and I got to spend a lot of face time with my toilet bowl. Then, I made a plan.

So, I guess all I need now is a plan.

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