I spent a lot of time chastising myself for feeling the wrong way.
“This is ridiculous, you’re overreacting.”
“You said, it was okay, so you really have no reason to be upset.”
“You’re not getting anything done feeling this way, grow up and act like a fucking adult.”
The voices in my head are not very kind. I imagine, it’s that way for a scary number of people. Lately, I’ve been really trying to grin through some tough times and be okay. And sometimes, I am. I can laugh and enjoy being around people and feel good about myself, but that doesn’t last, and when those feelings drop into self-loathing, insecurity, depression and anxiety, I have a lot of trouble being kind to myself for switching off. If I was fine yesterday, I should be fine today.
I think I’m starting to come to terms about how unrealistic that is. I put on a brave face while talking myself down all the time, but I’m starting to think that’s not so healthy.Well, I know it’s not healthy, but I think I might try doing something about it.
I also feel guilty, because this blog has had a lot of negativity to it lately, and I feel like that gives off the wrong impression of who I am, or that I’m looking for attention or people to check on me. I put my feelings out there because I know I can connect with other people. Having something resonate to someone in a deep way is a huge deal for me. And if it’s negative? I must continue to tell myself “so what?”, hard though it may be to hear. I’m in a bad place, maybe other people who are also in a bad place can find comfort in that. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to anymore.
It’s hard this time of year because there’s a lot to be done. School, work, Christmas, but I think acknowledging my pain, and almost embracing it, might be the only way to get through it all.
I’m not okay, so I guess maybe I’ll stop saying I am.
