There are two cats who live near me. They live in almost identical houses. And they both like to sit in the same window of their respective houses. I see them almost every time I walk by, and it usually fills me with delight. Today, it made me feel a bit funny. A bit sad I guess. Because these two cats are living almost identical lives and they probably have no idea the other exists. I’m not sure what the metaphor is here. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe I’m just sad because these cats aren’t friends but they probably should be because they have similar interests (sitting in windows).
They’re really cute cats.
I went for a walk tonight instead of going to the gym. I walked to my car and then realized that the air hitting my face felt so beautiful, it would be a shame to go inside again. Thanks spring!
So I went for a solo night walk which I don’t do very often nowadays. I am a little bit scared of my neighbourhood because a woman brandished a knife at me and my partner two years ago and that really freaked me out. I don’t think I’m actually that scared, I think I just get kind of bored of looking at the same stuff all the time. So today I made sure to walk on streets that I am not as familiar with. I looked at really big houses and small quirky ones and ugly apartment buildings.
It felt nice to walk without a true agenda other than filling my lungs up with air. I used to do that a lot when I was younger and the options were to wait 30 minutes for a 5 minute bus ride or walk 20 minutes. Now I drive, which is kind of foolish because I hate driving.
I think I’ve been drawn back to my laptop because of this walk nostalgia. I haven’t written anything in years. I have a draft post saved from January 2024, it looks like a New Year post of some kind. I’m intrigued, but I haven’t read it yet. I find that if I step away from my thoughts for even a couple of minutes, the urge to write disappears and I have stuck with that empty feeling like when you are about to sneeze but can’t.
This winter has been a rough one. I am not doing well, in all honesty. I just feel so engulfed by the heaviness of the world. Of losing someone that I lost touch with but never forgot, and always loved. Of feeling like I’m playing Pretend Adult at work and in life. The robots are taking over. There are wars all around. I am trying to do Normal People Things and it just doesn’t seem to be taking.
I’m going to try pottery classes. My sister hates pottery because she wasn’t perfect at it right away but I really like how tactile it is, and how if something is bad, it is usually comedically bad, and then you can squish it down and start over. I think play will be good for me. I haven’t been able to experience play much lately. I haven’t experienced a lot of joy or lightness.
I’m feeling optimistic about the spring, overall. I am ready to shed the weight of this winter and emerge fresh and free. I want to have fun and enjoy good weather and friendship. But I’m also really tired and really sad.
