When I’m in a rough place in my life, I tend to cry, way too hard for the given circumstances, when I say goodbye to my friends. I could be seeing the person the next day, and I would still cry. I remember a year ago, I was leaving my friend’s birthday party, and when I hugged him, I couldn’t stop crying. A year ago was a pretty rough time for me.
On March 1st last year, my life was in boxes, and my heart was in pieces. I moved out of the home I shared with my boyfriend, and he and my best friend helped me move into a cozy bachelor suite a couple blocks away. Rachel and I ate pad thai and drank wine on the floor, even though it was still soaked from being cleaned.
It was a sad time, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the times preceding it. Once we’d finally figured out what we needed (to be apart) things were sad, but not unbearable. Action has always felt better to me than inaction.
So I got a fresh start, of sorts. I dated. It was mostly entertaining but occasionally horrible, and often surprisingly wonderful. I put my energy that was once focused on my romantic relationship into my other relationships: with my friends and to my work. I was doing great, so, so great. Except when I wasn’t. Because during the day when you are surrounded by people you love and the sun is shining, life is pretty spectacular, but when you go home to a pile of three days of dishes and an empty house, it’s pretty hard to keep it together.
A lot has changed since then. Big, scary, life changing events. A few really nice moments in time. I managed to find things within myself that I didn’t think were there: confidence, a joi de vivre I hadn’t felt since I was a teenager. I’ve said it a lot before, but for the first time in a long time I saw what was so amazing about myself. My social anxiety diminished, my self-confidence in my body soared, and I found the thing that I love to do more than anything else in the entire world. I love to write. I love it so much.
And somehow, through my adventures and through yours, we found our way back. I didn’t expect to be sitting here in the position that I am now. Well, I knew I’d be here, in my cozy bachelor suite, typing a blog post, but I thought I’d be blissfully alone, or with someone new.
But I guess that’s not what was supposed to happen. It has not been easy. It’s been a very, very hard year, and there are still a lot of things we need to figure out. Work through. Learn about each other.
We’re not quite okay yet. But we will be.