Just wondering…

At what point did I become a secondary character in my own life?

I’m reading through my old Tumblr blog and some of my old messages (if you have the stomach for it, I highly recommend), and honestly, my approach to life was so fascinating. I felt things so deeply. I truly believed that adventure was at the tip of my fingertips. I had the most romantic and intimate friendships that I was constantly waxing on about.

It’s really beautiful to read. And I love the person that wrote that stuff. She may have been a bit naïve, but at least she was leaning into pain and the potential of heartbreak. The world felt so open back then. So incredibly full of possibilities. And I had so much to say! I wrote almost every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, and it just seemed like the words were always flowing.

I spoke a lot about feeling stuck, stagnant, back then, and I find it interesting that this is a recurring theme. I feel very much the same way now, however, I feel as though I’ve lost that youthful passion – where my optimism was just as intense as my deeply-felt heartache. Now, I’m just feeling kind of stuck and sad. I have adult problems now and while I love a lot of things about my life right now – financial stability, a diagnosis that helps me function at a new level, confidence in my body, mind and talent that I most certainly didn’t have when I was 18, 20, 23, I can’t help but crave that tumultuous energy.

I’m trying to get back into writing more. It always helps me to feel grounded, connected to my emotions, but sometimes it feels like the words are too far away.

I want to approach my life the way Hannah ten years ago did. She knew she was exciting and refreshing and tragic and worth writing about.

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